gorillas, peanut butter, and sex--oh my!

It has been a fascinating 24 hours in my house.

Scene: dinner table. Mom, dad, seven-year-old, and four-year-old are sitting around the table. In between fighting over bites of vegetables and impending dessert arrival time, four-year-old asks:

FYO: Who were the first people?
SYO: Adam and Eve! Duh!
FYO: So everyone comes from Adam and Eve?
D: Sure. Eat your cucumber.
FYO: I don't want to eat my cucumber.
D: Eat your cucumber.
(beat)
FYO: So who created Adam and Eve?
(beat)
SYO: God did.
FYO: Okay. Did God create everyone?
SYO: No. God created Adam and Eve, and then they created people, and those people created Moses and other people from the Bible. Right Daddy?
D: Sure. Eat your cucumber.
SYO: I ate my cucumber. I want dessert.
M: So, kiddos, that's one way of looking at it--God creating Adam and Eve and so on. But other people believe that we all come from apes. And gorillas.
(silence)
FYO: Really? Our great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents were gorillas?
M: That's what some people think.
SYO: So who's right?
(silence)
D: No one knows. Scientists are still trying to figure it out. Now eat your cucumber.

(12 hours later, at the same table, SYO is eating a waffle and M is making a peanut butter sandwich)
SYO (picking up a baby toy lying on the table): I thought we were giving this away.
M: I wanted to save it. My mom bought me one when I was a baby, and I bought you one when you were a baby, and I want to save it to give to you when you have a baby--if you choose to have a baby.
SYO: Choose?
M: (closing peanut butter jar) Yes.
SYO: You can choose to have a baby?
M: Yes. Not everyone has babies.
SYO: Really? How do you choose?
M: Some people decide they want to have children, and other people decide they don't.
SYO: Yes, but how do you choose to have one?
M: You just do.
SYO: You're not answering my question.
(beat)
M: Oh. You want to know how it happens.
SYO: Yes.
M: Ummm, okay, well, let me see (nervous giggle).
SYO: It's okay Mom, if you don't know the answer.
M: I know the answer! I'm just trying to think of the best way to answer the question without giving you too much information that you don't need.
SYO: It's okay if you don't want to answer it.
M: I do. Okay, so when two people love each other very much, they decide to have a baby.
SYO: How?
M: Well, a woman has an egg inside her and a man has sperm inside him. And the egg and the sperm get together, and the baby grows inside the woman's tummy for nine months.
SYO: (sighing loudly) Mom, you aren't hearing my question. You aren't answering my question.
M: You want to know how the egg and the sperm get together?
SYO: Yes!
(long beat)
M: The man puts his penis inside the woman's vagina and the sperm goes to find the egg. Okay?
SYO: Okay.
(silence)
M: Do you have any other questions?
SYO: No.
(silence)
M: Because if you do you can ask me. I'd rather give you the information than you learning it from your friends at school... or a book.
SYO (rolling her eyes): Mom.
(long beat)
M: So, do you want applesauce or oranges in your lunch today?

Fin

I can't make this stuff up. Really.