Monday, June 19, 2006

Trust the process

I am trying. To trust it. To believe that I really don't have to find another freelance gig. That we can survive easily on one salary. To set myself free to write the way I want, the way I should be writing.

My writing teacher at WWfaC would say to "show up at the page." The rest will come, she would say. And I know it's true. So much does come when I merely "show up." But the fear of nothing coming is paralyzing. I am becoming a huge cliche.

The words of "Working," the musical based on the book by Studs Terkel about different folk and their jobs, are running through my head, even though I haven't heard the song since I was about 16. "All I am is just a housewife, what I do is kinda boring, that's my life... take the kids here, take the kids there..." I know that's not me, but I fear that's what I might become. Not having a "job." Not having an "identity" beyond Captain Mommy, helming the crazy ship to fruition. That in and of itself is a huge job, but for some reason, I keep forgetting that.

Voice lessons are probably ending. It's been a good almost 10 year run. Finances are limited. I can't justify spending the money to study (even though I really really enjoy it and hope to go back to performing one day) when I haven't auditioned in years and probably won't for many years to come.

Maybe this is the "stripping down" that successful (financially, anyway) writers talk about--when you strip life down to the basics and take away all distractions so that you don't have any choice but to focus on the page (or screen).

I need to take the internet off of my computer. And my computer solitaire. And everything else.

Speaking of distractions, Sam's awake.

I need a patron. Anyone up for the job? It'll be worth it, I promise!

1 comment:

trAcy said...

you can't be a writer without the Internet!

: )